Great Sandwich Recipe

Here is a recipe I had published in a recipe book. I call it the SOURDOUGH CHEDDAR GRILL!

2 Slices Sourdough Bread
1 T. Butter
2 - 3 Thin Slices Sharp (or Dull) Cheddar Cheese
4 oz. Ketchup (or Catsup)

Preheat skillet to medium heat. Place cheddar cheese on one of the bread slices to cover slice. Place other slice of bread on top. Butter top slice of bread and place entire sandwich on skillet, butter side down. Take this opportunity to butter the side facing up. Brown both sides of sandwich. This is important. Remove from heat. Cut in half. Serve on plate with ketchup (or catsup) for dipping.

Stool

I remember visiting an import outlet that had what I thought was a mahogany stool. I pointed it out to my wife who informed me that it was one of those table/plant stands. I told her it looked like a stool to me. She said it didn't look anything like a stool. I told her, "Well,
it's brown".

Colds

My son had a cold. I asked him how his cold was doing. He responded by saying, “Oh, it’s doing great. It’s taking over my whole body!” Just what is the deal with colds anyway and why does God allow this evil? Of course, as a kid I didn’t find them so awful because I could stay home from school and watch The Price is Right. I always loved when that lederhosen clad figure would climb the price mountain. Yodelayheehoo!

I had a cold once that developed into a sinus infection and a fever. The doctor told me my body was trying to fight off the “bug” by creating more mucus and raising the temperature of my body. Then he prescribed medicine that lowered my body temperature and dried up the mucus and phlegm. Where’s the logic and why does the word “phlegm” seem like the perfect word for phlegm? It sounds like a mucousy word.

Sometimes the phlegm builds in your throat and it is difficult to swallow or spit it up. It just seems to like to hang around in your throat. While at work, I have been known to cough something up and ask employees I’m not very well acquainted with if I can spit in their garbage cans. It’s a good way to break the ice.

I once had a chest cold when I was in Newfoundland that was so bad it felt like I was coughing up chunks of my lungs. I wound up traveling all the way to Seattle in that condition so I’m sure there were many Air Canada customers with lung problems after that.

On a different occasion, I had a very bad cold as I was flying to Hawaii. When I landed it felt like I had walked into a giant humidifier (its very humid in Hawaii). Cold was cleared up and I went to see Journey in concert in Honolulu the next night with my sister. Don’t stop believin’!

Yet another time I flew to St. Louis with a cold and ear infection. I remember the old days when they would put drops in your ears and presto, the earache was gone. Now they give you antibiotics and tell you to suffer for a few days. My ear was killing me as we descended. I requested through the steward (a male stewardess) to have the captain call in an aerial refueling tanker so we could circle until the antibiotics kicked in (no ear drops, you see). My request was denied. I’m never flying Pan Am again.

Auto Toilets

I was in the restroom at work the other day. While not experiencing anything as traumatic as the Great Oahu Pineapple Incident, I did have a negative experience. It seems they have these electric eyes which communicate to the toilet that it should flush as soon as you stand up. I prefer the old days when you would get up and flush it yourself with your foot. Instead, as soon as you stand up, a swirling vortex of water and human waste begins splashing and spraying. It's not the greatest experience as this is felt across the back of your legs. I noticed a few days later that someone had wrapped toilet paper around the electric eye so it couldn't see him. Very ingenious! Back to foot flushing.

The Birds

A friend of mine works in manufacturing plant in which birds tend to make their way in through some large vehicle entrance openings. This was a particular problem for him and some other support staff. They were located on the shop floor with privacy walls but no ceiling. Many of the birds would camp out high above his work area and relieve themselves. This made the desks, computers, file cabinets, chairs, etc., a bit messy.

Soon the staff erected little cardboard huts to protect themselves. They would huddle under the huts working on their computers and occasionally hear a loud splat overhead. His management tried feverishly to come up with a solution to drive the birds out including fake owls, strobe lighting, and, worst of all, Justin Timberlake music. Even the music didn't drive the birds away but it did increase the sick leave usage.

I came up with a brilliant idea for him to pass along to his management. When I had visited an IKEA, they had covered parking. Their solution to keeping birds away was to play recordings of predatory bird calls amplified throughout the parking garage. Since my friend's company didn't have the budget for a sound system, my solution was to train each of the staff in bird calling. They could take turns every couple of minutes calling out. Here's a recording of myself with an example:

Of course, they'd have to make sure they didn't accidentally do mating calls or the place would be filled with male hawks ready for action.

Speaking of mating calls, you definitely need to read this Darwin Award out of the Dallas Chronicle before you go messing with animal calls:

A man in Sweetwater Texas wanted to see just how many bees he could attract by modifying the pitch that was emitted from his Polk Audio speakers connected to his home theater system. What he did not realize was the pitch did not attract bees in the slightest but was precisely the same sound made by the female West Texas Yak during mating season. Upon hearing this sound, a male yak showed up ready for action only to find a man sitting on one of the two Polk Audio speakers. The yak's reaction was to gore both speakers and the man. Officials on the scene were overheard saying that the man may have avoided this had he been using Realistic speakers manufactured by Tandy.

Returning the Favor

I plan to stay close to my kids. When they are grown and married, I will pay particular attention to when they may be planning some intimate time alone with their spouses. I will go to each of their houses at those particular times, knock on the front door, tell them I can't sleep and ask if I can have a glass of water.

Morality

I'm sitting here typing as my kids watch Pooh. Normally they would be in big trouble if they said the word "pooh" but for some reason Pooh Bear is okay. This is another example of our moral decline. What if it was Pooh Bare? Is that next? Don't even get me started about how offensive Shrek was, and the sequel too. What was the name of the sequel? Hmm. Oh yeah, Shrek 2.

They just don't make movies like they used to. You know. Black and white. No sound. And best of all, no Brad Pitt. I hear him and Jennifer Tilly are breaking up. They just seem like a mismatch but they could make it work if we weren't in such a decline.

Speaking of mismatches, what about a sitcom and Charlie Sheen? They seem incompatible, and they are. What does this have to do with morality? It's immoral to produce such a show.

I also felt this food show I was watching the other night was immoral but I soon found out it was Emeril.

By the way, who is the Doofdaddy?