Lost Scrolls

Many of you may remember the following story that circulated around the world wide web. But what you may not realize is that since its initial routing, the Doofdaddy has uncovered a second part to the story.

Part 1:
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the Reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Part 2 (The Lost Scroll):
While the Pope continues shouting "Celebrate!", the music group Kool and the Gang jump out of a cloud and starts singing Celebration. The Pope distressed because he could never consumate the relationship with the girl he had loved for nearly sixty years, reaches under his big white hat and pulls out a Stihl 909 Magnum 8.3 HP chainsaw. He pulls the cord, and as it roars to full speed, begins swinging it at Kool and the Gang. He does this while shouting, "We're gonna have a good time...come on..yeah." Before the angels can control him, he has hacked all of the members of Kool and the Gang to pieces. Fortunately for them, they were all Hindus and were reincarnated into the cast of Union Square. Unfortunately for them, Union Square was cancelled and now they have been relegated to riding the bus with Philip Michael Thomas. They never were able to get back into heaven, because the big man does not believe in reincarnation. The Pope went on to sell Stihl chainsaws. He also likes ham sandwiches and Tang.

Remember Air Guitar?

I like air microphone. Or better yet, I like grabbing items and pretending they are microphones. I was at the grocery. I heard Easy Lover by Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey playing. I grabbed a potato masher and proceeded to lip synch. My wife rolled her eyes. In the produce aisle, I grabbed a yam and did the same. She was quite embarrassed. But she was most embarrassed when I grabbed a watermelon.

Big Astro

So we've been looking at replacing our minivan. My wife would like something larger than our Ford Windstar. So we are looking at getting a Chevy Astro. Imagine getting away with saying, "Honey, you've got a big Astro."

Great Excuse

I remember years ago telling my girlfriend that I would only be gone a short time with the Doofdaddy to get some beer. We had left her at the residence of Doof's ex, so she was a little uncomfortable. It was either that she didn't know Doof's ex very well or she was experiencing irregularity. We had to travel quite a distance to get the beer due to state liquor laws. I think the law was that you could not buy beer in your own county unless it was raining and it was a Tuesday. We only bought a six pack and to this day, I cannot remember whether it was Miller or Lowenbrau. Remember when they would advertise "Steak and Lowenbrau"? Or the song, "Tonight, tonight. Let it be Lowenbrau"? And who can forget the classic one that went sort of like. Umm. Hmmmm. I can't remember. We must have been gone at least two hours round trip and we got thirsty on the return leg. When we arrived back at our destination with only two beers left, my girlfriend was not the least bit pleased. The Doofdaddy handled the situation by explaining that I was in a great hurry to get back to my love, so I stepped on the gas. He explained that as we hit 88 mph, we saw some strange blue flashes but we kept on driving. He added that we had only been gone about 30 minutes but it was odd that the clocks in his ex's place were an hour and a half fast.